Simon FitzKit...In The Field!

Kit Needs To Move His Blog?

February 20, 2009
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My friend Sketch did this, and I remember doing it waaaay back in the day (of LiveJournal), so here’s What I Need:

Type in your name and “needs” into Google and then write down the first 10 coherent things that come up.

  1. Your Stress Relief Kit Needs Gratitude and Humility – I’m not sure what kind of hippy-dippy stress-relief kit this is, but I’d much prefer Krunch bars and video games, since it’s easier to tell when you’ve run out
  2. Rabbit Kit needs to eat?!?!!? – Probably.  And probably more than once a day. Maybe.
  3. BLACK PEARL KIT NEEDS TO GO ASAP!!!!!!!!!!! – “Arr, years ago, I betrayed Captain Barbosa, but that’ll never come back ta haunt me, righhhhhOHSHIT!”
  4. GE TRIM KIT NEEDS INSTRUCTION – I’ve never made General Electric cutbacks before.
  5. Purchase of doll house kit needs consideration of some facts – Like the fact that it’s not handicap-accessible
  6. EMERGENCY KIT NEEDS Home Page – Know any good web designers?
  7. Outstanding piece of Kit, needs more pockets – obviously, I’m not lugging around enough detritus on my person as is
  8. kit needs to be replaced – Don’t worry, it’s like that story of the Philosopher’s Axe; I’ll still be more than the sum of my parts (or rather, my Outstanding pieces)
  9. metal kit needs new springs?
  10. Above all, alpine kit needs to do the job
...if, that is, the job involves moguls.

...if, that is, the job involves moguls.


Faster Than A Locomotive, Cheaper Than A Gold Box Deal

July 27, 2008
1 Comment has amazing sales on DVDs, but lately, they’ve just been outselling themselves, making their sales less meaningful.

Or maybe those DVDs are actually only 33% off under a red sun, but long ago, his parents saw that their race would be doomed to be remaindered, so they sent their only son (using Superman Saver Delivery) to Earth, where –in the heat of a yellow sun– his movies and television shows gained phenomenal comic powers [sic] for the good of all mankind.

MR SOCKO: My heeeeeero.

I’ve been shopping for years, spending too much money on DVDs.
Thank you,, for these wonderful Superman returns
on my investment.

It’s Better To Receive Than To Get

January 9, 2008

My birthday is fast approaching (February 7), and I’ll be turning 26. To celebrate, I’d like a PS2. That’s right, I’d like to have a PlayStation 2.

Now, I’ve made this a little more difficult for you kind souls out there: I bought myself a PS2 the day before New Years Eve. It’s this one:

It was a stupid purchase; I realized that then, and I continue to realize it now. That’s beside the point. Actually, that’s not true; my point revolves around the fact that I was stupid to buy myself a PS2. I mean, I haven’t even opened it yet. It’s sitting in my room, still in the bag…lurking. Anyway.

So, while talking with my friend Ted earlier today, I said that I was just not going to open it until February 7, since then it would be like a birthday present to myself. I then jokingly said I could even ask my friends for a PS2 for my birthday, since –if twelve people send me 12 dollars each– not only would they have gotten me a great gift, and not only would the gesture spark that whole my-friends-are-awesome chest-warmth-spread feeling, but it would also mean I would not have randomly spent $150 on a game system. Ted said, “I’d go in on that. Post it on your blog.” So here we are.

Some people will see this as a greedy pig’s way of trying to mooch off his friends using their sympathy as a conduit. I was certainly of that opinion for most of the day; after all, the inferiority complex in me is quite good at pointing out those sorts of positions.

Now, however, I look at it from an egotist’s point of view: it’s a good idea. Late last year, I had the great idea to go in with others to get a friend DDR for CMas. “That was an excellent idea,” my inner egotist says. “Why am I the only one who has these ideas?”

Well, not to fear, because I’ve now had the idea for you. If you want to get me a birthday gift, but you think that 10-12 bucks won’t get enough of a thoughtful gift, try this on for size:

If you buy me the PS2 I’ve already bought myself, you’ll be saving a man from his demons, freeing him from financial burden while simultaneously gifting him with an enjoyable pastime that he’ll let you come over and play.

And isn’t that what every gift is really about?

Getting something back in return?

The Lights Are On, But Nobody’s Holmes

December 8, 2007

I was at Borders earlier this evening trying to buy my father’s CMas gift (Shh. Spoiler Alert) when I ran across something he might like even more:

The Crimes of Dr. Watson: An Interactive Sherlock Holmes Mystery.

Book Description From
Quirk Books is excited to announce the discovery of a never-before-published adventure from the pen of Dr. John Watson, steadfast companion of the legendary detective Sherlock Holmes. As the tale opens, we discover that Holmes has vanished and Watson has been framed for a grisly murder! Writing from a damp cell in Coldbath Fields penitentiary, the falsely convicted prisoner recounts the events leading to his arrest …and provides twelve removable, facsimile clues that point to the true culprit. Among them are:

An article torn from a newspaper in California
A puzzling manuscript ripped into several pieces
A catalog of Victorian medicines and marital aids
Plus a telegram, an arrest report, an empty matchbook, a train schedule, and much more

It’s up to you to sift through the clues and solve the thrilling whodunit. When you think you’ve identified the culprit, slice open the final signature of the book (sealed at the printer) to read the remainder of the story. With beautiful Victorian-style illustrations and first-rate production values, The Crimes of Dr. Watson will appeal to mystery lovers of all ages.

Wow, I thought, it has the entire story “The Final Problem,” comes with envelopes of letters for clues, and a sealed Answers section at the back? Dad’ll love this!

So I flipped it open to the first envelope. It was empty.

Hmm, I thought, maybe this clue is just the envelope itself.

The next envelope was also empty. In fact, the sentence on the following page made it clear I was supposed to be holding a train ticket of some sort. I wasn’t, so I began to suspect shenanigans.

I flipped to the back cover, thinking that perhaps they’d been worried that the clues would fall out, so they’d decided to put all the enclosures in the back with the sealed Answers section.

The clues were, in fact, with the Answers, but unfortunately, the Answers weren’t with the book. There were overlapping flaps of cardstock inside the back cover, suggesting that Answers should have been contained within their protective embrace, but they were as empty as the rest of the book.

How odd, I thought. Someone’s flipped through this Display Copy and removed all the useful bits.

I grabbed the copy behind it on the shelf. It was empty.

Eight copies of the book –every copy in the store, as it turned out– were all empty. I took the entire collection to the Information Desk and informed them of the problem, then waited a good 5 minutes while they checked my story against the reality of the books.

So bizarre. Those clues were, according to the book’s own blurb, the only things that could free Dr. Watson. Who could have stolen them? The publisher? The manufacturer? Did the author have a change of heart after realizing some of the clues implicated him as one of Watson’s persecutors? Did someone murder everyone in the Korean mystery-envelope-stuffing sweatshop? Or was it a jealous wife? Or an adulterous doctor? No. It was her employer: Ms. Scarlet. …Um… Miss Study In Scarlet?

To make a long story short (Too late!), I bought the book I’d originally planned on buying. Sadly, Dad will have to wait for his Interactive Mystery. …UNLESS I KILL SOMEONE AND SEND HIM THE CLUES!!!

…enh. I’ll probably just buy it for him for Father’s Day.