Simon FitzKit...In The Field!

The Sea Ring

July 18, 2008
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The North Carolina Aquariums site has the following advertising the Roanoake Island branch of its operations:

My immediate thought:
THE SEA RING
Samara has returned, and now instead of seven days, she’s giving you seven seas. Ever wonder where that well drained into? The North Carolina Aquariums. Don’t put on your earphones; that self-guided tour can’t tell you what to do now. Samara is in control, and before the night is done, the seas will run red with blood. She’s showing her video on all the fish-info screens, and everyone knows… sound travels faster underwater.

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Makes mouths happy. MAKES MOUTHS HAPPY!!!

July 10, 2008
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I’ve been laid low by Jumanji Twizzlers.

It waits for some unsuspecting person to find it, play it, and release the evil jungle magic within.

But I’m not prone to opening mysterious board games that wash up on the beach. No, this time the evil jungle magic had to bend itself to my weak spot:

I couldn’t help it. It just popped in there.

Twizzlers. One of the new resealable two-pound pouches that locks freshness in. Like we used to eat at Camp Waconda.

Only this bag didn’t just lock in freshness. Oh no. Let’s turn back the clock to last fall when I came down with an annoyingly persistent flu-like virus that completely floored me. My sister bought me a bag of resealable Twizzlers to cheer me up. No, not healthy for me, but hey, I was sick, and I wanted to feel better in some quantifiable way.

So I had some, sealed the bag, went back to cowering under the covers and got better.

February came around, and, as I was straightening my landfill of a room, I found, buried under clothes, DVDs, PSP games and comic books…

The Jumanji Twizzlers.

Oh, at the time, I didn’t know it was they, but the effect was immediate: I ate a few, and a couple days later, I was going through boxes of tissue like… well, like Kleenex. And I was not in the mood for Twizzlers any more, so they got kneaded back into the bottom of the counter bread machine that is my room.

And then I was sifting through piles of stuff I had recently tossed around (to be able to sleep on my bed again), and there, innocent and sweet, sat…

THE JUMANJI TWIZZLERS.

I carried them downstairs, having only an hour before discovered I had nothing but frozen meals and Pop-Tarts as immediate dining options. I sat down in front of CSI: Miami Season 1, and I had several strawberry-flavored twists.

Now everything above my philtrum is pounding, my nose is gushing, and my throat constantly feels like I’ve gargled with salt. Not salt water; salt.

So, of course, I threw the bag away as soon as I realized where the evil jungle magic had come from.

But now I realize: I didn’t burn it. It’s sitting in a trash bag somewhere, on its way to a dump, in some homeless child’s hands… and the Freshness seal is intact. The Jumanji Twizzlers are pristine inside. And someone will find them… and eat them… and the horror will live again.

Oh, God, I can still hear the drums! The hideous beating of those unearthly bongos, their sheer intensity threatening to drag me into my own personal heart of darkness!…

…Oh, wait. Sorry. I was just playing Rock Band on Nyquil.

Never mind.

Thank you, Seattle. Are you ready to r–BEWARE THE JUMANJI TWIZZLERS!


Nurses With Purses In Hearses

June 13, 2008
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Found in this ARTICLE:

Ack! Silent Hill nurses!

As I was too scared to read the article, I can only assume it says something like:

Paris: Louis Vuitton’s new line of designer handbags was inspired by the nurses of Silent Hill. Made of 100% burn-victim skin and stitched together with the finest hair from a six-year-old beauty pageant winner, these purses will make even the most depraved monsters of your nightmares stop in their tracks…for a second or two, at least.


Death God Of War

April 28, 2008
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I like the anime series Bleach, a series about a normal guy becoming a Death God. I like the video game God of War, a game about Stone-Cold Rambo ‘Diesel’ Schwarzenegger killing the entire population of ancient Greece. And today, the PSP Fanboy website put the banners for the two of them on top of each other. Way to go, two great tastes tasting great together.


But what about 5-year-old zombies?

March 28, 2008
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I went down to Atlanta to visit friends and see Paul&Storm and Jonathan Coulton in concert. I hope to get around to writing about that, but first, a couple facts:

27

57%


I’ll Be Marvel When I’m Dead

December 20, 2007
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In my Inbox this morning:
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These messages were sent while you were offline.

11:46 PM Matt: Two word question for you: Marvel Zombies?
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MY ANSWERS:

1) Yes, I like the Marvel Zombies. I have read the books but do not own any for people to borrow; instead, I used the sneaky poor-comic-nerd tactic of “flipping through” each issue as it came out…flipping through page by page, panel by panel… good stuff. Really good, but what else does one expect from Robert Kirkman, zombie author extraordinaire? And every cover is a parody of a classic Marvel Milestone comic cover (same thing goes for every reprint, each with its own new cover to parody). I have also read and enjoyed Army of Darkness Vs. Marvel Zombies but only because I’m a sucker for new classic Bruce Campbell stories (especially since he’s stopped being quite as cool these days).

2) Marvel Zombies got started during a run of Ultimate Fantastic Four when Ultimate Mr. Fantastic opened up a portal to another dimension, supposedly the main Marvel universe. Now, creators of the Ultimate universe had already said in multiple interviews that if Ultimate Marvel ever had a crossover with Earth-616 (the interdimensional area code for the main Marvel universe), “you’ll know we’re out of ideas and we should stop.”

So fans were a bit nervous/disappointed to see this FF-crossover. BUT EXPECTATIONS BE DAMNED! It turned out that the alternate universe Ultimate Reed Richards had opened was actually another universe where all the superheroes had been turned into zombies. They’d retained most of their personalities, but now the desire to save people had been transformed into the desire to eat them as fast as they could.

Now, of course, we’re to the point where a recent run of Black Panther comics had Earth-616 run into the Marvel Zombies, so that technically means we’ve had a two-step crossover with Ultimate, but hey, who cares about the spirit of the law these days, right?

3) Yes. Really. Marvel Zombies. I’m glad there are people who can think of these things because otherwise I’d say you can’t make stuff like this up.

4) If I were a Marvel Zombie, I’d be Zombie Spiderman, constantly guilt-ridden from having eaten my loved ones, always making jokes that annoy the hell out of most of the rest of the zombie heroes (zombieroes?), always descending on a webline upside down and waiting until my prey turned to say a quick one-liner before grabbing their head and sucking out an eye.

5) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marvel_Zombies

6) Except.