Simon FitzKit...In The Field!

Makes mouths happy. MAKES MOUTHS HAPPY!!!

July 10, 2008
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I’ve been laid low by Jumanji Twizzlers.

It waits for some unsuspecting person to find it, play it, and release the evil jungle magic within.

But I’m not prone to opening mysterious board games that wash up on the beach. No, this time the evil jungle magic had to bend itself to my weak spot:

I couldn’t help it. It just popped in there.

Twizzlers. One of the new resealable two-pound pouches that locks freshness in. Like we used to eat at Camp Waconda.

Only this bag didn’t just lock in freshness. Oh no. Let’s turn back the clock to last fall when I came down with an annoyingly persistent flu-like virus that completely floored me. My sister bought me a bag of resealable Twizzlers to cheer me up. No, not healthy for me, but hey, I was sick, and I wanted to feel better in some quantifiable way.

So I had some, sealed the bag, went back to cowering under the covers and got better.

February came around, and, as I was straightening my landfill of a room, I found, buried under clothes, DVDs, PSP games and comic books…

The Jumanji Twizzlers.

Oh, at the time, I didn’t know it was they, but the effect was immediate: I ate a few, and a couple days later, I was going through boxes of tissue like… well, like Kleenex. And I was not in the mood for Twizzlers any more, so they got kneaded back into the bottom of the counter bread machine that is my room.

And then I was sifting through piles of stuff I had recently tossed around (to be able to sleep on my bed again), and there, innocent and sweet, sat…

THE JUMANJI TWIZZLERS.

I carried them downstairs, having only an hour before discovered I had nothing but frozen meals and Pop-Tarts as immediate dining options. I sat down in front of CSI: Miami Season 1, and I had several strawberry-flavored twists.

Now everything above my philtrum is pounding, my nose is gushing, and my throat constantly feels like I’ve gargled with salt. Not salt water; salt.

So, of course, I threw the bag away as soon as I realized where the evil jungle magic had come from.

But now I realize: I didn’t burn it. It’s sitting in a trash bag somewhere, on its way to a dump, in some homeless child’s hands… and the Freshness seal is intact. The Jumanji Twizzlers are pristine inside. And someone will find them… and eat them… and the horror will live again.

Oh, God, I can still hear the drums! The hideous beating of those unearthly bongos, their sheer intensity threatening to drag me into my own personal heart of darkness!…

…Oh, wait. Sorry. I was just playing Rock Band on Nyquil.

Never mind.

Thank you, Seattle. Are you ready to r–BEWARE THE JUMANJI TWIZZLERS!

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I Guess Jihad To Be There

May 31, 2008
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Dunkin’ Donuts ran the following ad, starring Rachael Ray holding some coffee in a park:

It apears to be very harmless. However, it apparently caused an internet blogosphere meltdown in which Dunkin’ Donuts was accused of supporting terrorism. As reported in The Independent:
“The offending item, though, is the scarf, which reminded one blogger of the keffiyeh head-dress worn by Arab men, an item which a second blogger – picking up the theme and running several miles with it – dubbed ‘jihadi chic’. The Little Green Footballs blog, a conservative favourite, accused Dunkin’ Donuts of ‘casually promoting the symbol of Palestinian terrorism and the intifada’.”

And Dunkin’ Donuts pulled the ad, causing ANOTHER blogosphere meltdown, as bloggers called the company cowardly for caving “in the face of an out-of-control conservative blogosphere.”

(PS: ‘blogosphere’ is a fun word, isn’t it?)

Out of control? Maybe, but obviously, we can all agree it wasn’t out-of-control enough. Let’s remedy this situation forthwith.

(turns around and centers self, then quickly turns back around)

What. The F. Has Dunkin’ Donuts gone crazy? A little too much of their Arabic blend? This ad is a blatant promotion of terrorism! Look at that scarf Rachael Ray is wearing; it’s a f**king keffiyeh head-dress worn by Arab men! Arab MEN. And she, a woman, is wearing it out in the g*dd*mn park, like she isn’t cowering from God and men’s sight! Put some f**king clothes on, you whore of Babylon (i.e. Babylon in Iraq, you terrorist!) By putting Rachael Ray in that keffiyeh, DD, you’re offending Americans who don’t want to see some kind of g*dd*amn Hamas fashion show…but you’re also offending Arabs who’ll see this ad, think, “That woman is wearing a man’s headdress around her neck, and it isn’t because her husband’s choking her with it! Crossdresser! Abomination! Abomination! Abomination! I’ll bomb a nation!”

And terrorism will ensue.

But that’s not all. Some of my distinguished blogosphere associates have stopped at the jaunty heretical scarf, but not I. No, the men behind this advertisement are unbelievable in more ways than one. They said in their “apology” yesterday, “The possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote our iced coffee.”

“Iced coffee?” ICED COFFEE?!? Sounds like, ‘Iced Kofi’ –as in Kofi Annan, ex-UN Secretary General, who is currently on the board of directors of the UN Foundation– and it is outrageous for Dunkin’ Donuts to blatantly be recruiting terrorists to assassinate Kofi Annan in an online ad like that. Now, my blogosphere enemies (I’m looking at you, Rene Duquesnoy Joomlas on your Ass!) might say that there have been thousands of ads for iced kofi, and I’ve never spoken up before, but I say to you, SHUT UP! Those ads were distasteful, yes, but not necessarily proterrorist.

This ad is special because of all the secret visual handshakes it’s giving to terrorists. Look closer. There’s a building in the background, an American landmark of enormous importance to the citizens of our great country, and it is being highlighted for destruction. I hope our military and law enforcement services are on-site at that building…wherever it is (maybe that’s a gold statue of Jefferson or something? Is it maybe the Holocaust museum? Help me out, blogosphere cohorts!) It’s an American treasure though, regardless of what building it actually is, and Dunkin’ Donuts is outright commanding terrorists to bomb it to kill Kofi Annan, and Rachael Ray is there so they know they’ll only have a 30-minute timeframe to work with.

And under the logo, what does it say? AMERICA RUNS. “On Dunkin'”? Perhaps. “From terrorism”? Definitely.

(…Maybe if I click on ‘Find A Store’ it’ll tell me where that building is.)

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Okay, I’m done.


Eat This!

May 2, 2008
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Click to make it larger.


There’ll Be A Quiznos On This Later

April 28, 2008
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While at Firehouse Subs the other day, my friend Sketch pointed out that the sandwich I was ordering had an odd description: it came “Fully Involved.” According to the menu (their online version pictured below), Fully Involved means that it comes with all the normal toppings (lettuce, mayo, etc).

Now, I don’t like toppings on my subs; I’m a meat-and-cheese-only type of guy. But it seems wrong to just ask for the sandwich “plain” when they went to the trouble of coming up with such an interesting phrase to describe a sub being ‘with everything on it.’

Therefore, I now present a short glossary of terms for how to order your sandwiches at Firehouse Subs from here on out.

A Sandwich Fully Involved = Loaded. Complete with Mayo, Mustard, Lettuce, Tomato, Onion and a Dill Spear.

A Sandwich With Commitment Issues = Sandwich With No Toppings.

A Sandwich In Trial Separation = Toppings On The Side.

A Sandwich Just Going Through The Paces = Limp Piece Of Lettuce, One Slice Of Tomato, and Just A Daub Of Condiments.

A Sandwich Having An Affair = Fully Involved Toppings Between Meat And Top Bun; With Horseradish, Cole Slaw and Pickle Slices Between Meat And Bottom Bun.

A Sandwich Whose Marriage Is On The Rocks = Hot Sub…On Ice.

A Sandwich With A Restraining Order = The Sandwich Is For Here, The Toppings Are To Go.


There’ll Be A Quizno’s On This Later

April 28, 2008
1 Comment

While at Firehouse Subs the other day, my friend Sketch pointed out that the sandwich I was ordering had an odd description: it came “Fully Involved.” According to the menu (their online version pictured below), Fully Involved means that it comes with all the normal toppings (lettuce, mayo, etc).

Now, I don’t like toppings on my subs; I’m a meat-and-cheese-only type of guy. But it seems wrong to just ask for the sandwich “plain” when they went to the trouble of coming up with such an interesting phrase to describe a sub being ‘with everything on it.’

Therefore, I now present a short glossary of terms for how to order your sandwiches at Firehouse Subs from here on out.

A Sandwich Fully Involved =
Loaded. Complete with Mayo, Mustard, Lettuce, Tomato, Onion and a Dill Spear.

A Sandwich With Commitment Issues =
Sub With No Toppings.

A Sandwich In Trial Separation =
Toppings On The Side.

A Sandwich Just Going Through The Paces =
Limp Piece Of Lettuce, One Slice Of Tomato, and Just A Daub Of Condiments.

A Sandwich Having An Affair =
Fully Involved Toppings Between Meat And Top Bun; With Horseradish, Cole Slaw and Pickle Slices Between Meat And Bottom Bun.

A Sandwich Whose Marriage Is On The Rocks =
Hot Sub…On Ice.

A Sandwich With A Restraining Order =
The Sandwich Is For Here, The Toppings Are To Go.


DON’T EAT AT JOE’S

February 10, 2008
1 Comment

Found via Sketch:

FROM WIKIPEDIA:
*****************************
A Hobson’s choice is a free choice in which only one option is offered, and one may refuse to take that option. The choice is therefore between taking the option or not taking it. The phrase is said to originate from Thomas Hobson (1544–1630), a livery stable owner at Cambridge, England who, in order to rotate the use of his horses, offered customers the choice of either taking the horse in the stall nearest the door—or taking none at all. It is analogous to the expression “my way or the highway”.

In the 1980s there existed a restaurant popular with students in Cambridge (England). Its name was Hobson’s Choice. The menu was… Dish of the Day.

*****************************

Well, if they could get away with one restaurant so blatantly based on an obscure-reference gimmick, obviously, I can get away with far more than that.

Fine Dining For The Well-Informed


Come on down to MORTON’S FORK, the cozy little country cafe that’s just off the beltway! Wikipedia says, “Morton’s Fork is an expression that describes a choice between two equally unpleasant alternatives.” And here at MORTON’S FORK, our chef serves up all sorts of equally unpleasant menu options! Scrambled eggs drenched in vinegar! Peanut butter and banana soup! A goblet of menstrual blood! So many things on the menu, you’ll have a hard time deciding. Because they’re just that nasty.
PS: That logo is from the actual MORTON’S FORK restaurant. Yeah, Britain actually creates these things that I want to make fun of. God bless you, United Kingdom.


Or try THE STRANGE LOOP for some slightly different Italian cuisine. Wikipedia says, “A strange loop arises when, by moving up or down through a hierarchical system, one finds oneself back where one started.” Yes, stop on by THE STRANGE LOOP, the home of the bottomless Spaghetti Bowl!


Or what about THE GOLDEN HAMMER, that fancy Chinese place right around the corner from wherever you live? Wikipedia says, “A golden hammer is any tool, technology, paradigm, snake oil, buzzword or similar whose proponents enthusiastically sing its praises. They predict that it will solve multiple problems, including some for which it is obviously not suitable.” Are you hungry? Thirsty? Tired? Bad dancer? Looking for love? Trying to better your backhand? Need to purchase some silver polish but only believe in the barter system and only have Odyssey of the Mind pins to trade? Then order the mu shu pork. We so good it hurt.


And for dessert, stop on by HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO, where it’s always Buy-One-Get-One-Free Day at the bakery!

…Actually, that last one would probably be pretty damn popular.


The Ice Cream of the Present…of the Future!

January 19, 2008
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I know I’m a bit late hopping on this bandwagon, but I was at Target the other evening and ran into a wall of Ben & Jerry’s flavors dedicated to cultural icons.

I knew about Cherry Garcia and Phish Food; those are classics. I knew about Steven Colbert’s Americone Dream and Willy Nelson’s Country Peach Cobbler. I’d even heard about Neapolitan Dynamite. But I was not truly prepared for the sheer glut of eponymous flavors available.

Dave Matthews Band Magic Brownies (Black Raspberry Ice Cream Swirled with Sweet Cream Ice Cream & Fudgy Brownies)?

Duff & D’oh-Nuts (Chocolate & Cream Stout Ice Creams with Glazed Chocolate Doughnuts)?

Bohemian Raspberry (Vanilla Ice Cream with Fudge Brownies & Raspberry Swirls)?

VerMonty Python (Coffee Liqueur Ice Cream with a Chocolate Cookie Crumb Swirl & Fudge Cows)?

I’ve decided that Ben & Jerry’s just needs to stop pretending that it doesn’t want to make cultural references 24/7; they should go ahead and change their company name to what they obviously have dreamed of calling it for years:

Yes, Zeitgeice Cream: Making frozen treats that reflect the public’s interests since regular people bought stuff that reminded them of how much they like famous people.

And now, from the makers of Zeitgeice Cream, try Italian-dessert flavors like “Pope Jelly-Bean-edict” and “Cinnamonica Bellucci” when you have a taste of

(PS: Parody of Gwen Stefani’s “The Sweet Escape” over at Trouble in Parodies. Check it out.)