Simon FitzKit...In The Field!

You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m In Recovery

March 19, 2008
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Found on Marvelous News:

First of all, Operation Hulk sounds like the Mad Lib General Ross fills out every morning at work:
“Hey, Samson. Give me an ‘-er’ noun and your favorite pet.”
“Um…’policer’ and ‘goldfish’?”
“Fine. Tell the men we’re deploying at 1100 hours for Operation Hulk Policer Goldfish. Prepare the underwater officers. Agamemnon, I need a past tense verb and the name of someone at the table.”
“Yawn… ‘broke’ and ‘Glenn Talbot’.”
“Perfect! Send word that, at 1230 hours, we move on Operation Hulk Broke Glenn Talbot. Poor man. Deserves my daughter, but that monster made that impossible. Betty: a gerund and an adverb.”
“Daaaaaad…oh, fine. ‘Moving’ and ‘Gratefully’.”
“That’ll do, I guess. Get the Hulkbusters ready by 1400 hours for Operation Hulk Moving Gratefully…uh…hmm. Oh! Okay, get Century 21 and Atlantic Van Lines on the phone. We need Banner’s house cleared out and all his stuff shipped to the Hulkbuster base by Friday. Gets him out of our hair, am I right?”

Meanwhile, look at Hulk’s hand in that picture: he got in a fight with Voldemort right before this was taken. Maybe that’s the reason that he’s farting noxious fumes: Hulk’s body absorbs the Killing Curse and digests it, shooting the remnants out as a defense mechanism.

And what about those other indentations. Don’t you hate it when you fall asleep on top of your teddy bear, heart and butterflies? I’m surprised he didn’t have a keyboard one on his face, but then, why would Hulk fall asleep at a computer?

And while we’re on the ‘Why’ question: Why are Spider- and Iron Man the physicians in attendance? I’d personally go with Doctor Strange and Mister Fantastic…you know, men with MDs, not just technically smart guys who probably think the heart is on the far right side of the ches…oh wait (looks at box art)…okay, maybe they know better than I do.

I do notice though that this game is meant to be played for 15 minutes. 15 whole minutes, huh? That sure is an entertaining game if you can take a good 20 minutes to pull it out, set up all the pieces explain the rules…and then it’ll keep your 6-or-more-year-old entertained for half the time it takes to cook a pizza. Or, to be fair, as long as it’d take to watch an episode of almost any show on Adult Swim.

Okay, now we should open the box and look at the board itself.

And definitely click on the picture to see it full size.

Okay, so I’m going to try to guess what those are supposed to be. I assume I’ll be hitting on at least a couple of their bad puns, but probably not all of them…
1) Missile Toe
2) Bear Foot
3) Sea An(kle)nemone
4) Never-Changes-Pants Crotch Sweat
5) The Bruce banner (get it? get it?)
6) Pulled Hamstring?
7) Butterflies In Hulk’s Love Handles? Moth-Eaten Clothes?
8) Hulk’s Heart Isn’t In The Right Place
9) Shoulder Boombox? (Is that supposed to be a rib cage?)
10) Lightning Reflexes? Shooting Pain Up Your Left Arm? The Shocker? General Thunder Ross? The Thunder Of Mighty Guns? Waitwaitwait: it must be misplaced from his hands. It’s Thunderclap.
11) Green Thumb
12) Form Of A Fist Made Of Ice…

I think my favorite, by far, is that apparent sea anemone. What the hell is that? From when Hulk went wading near the Great Barrier Reef? Or when he landed in the Danbury Aquarium? Ridiculous.



February 10, 2008
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Found via Sketch:

A Hobson’s choice is a free choice in which only one option is offered, and one may refuse to take that option. The choice is therefore between taking the option or not taking it. The phrase is said to originate from Thomas Hobson (1544–1630), a livery stable owner at Cambridge, England who, in order to rotate the use of his horses, offered customers the choice of either taking the horse in the stall nearest the door—or taking none at all. It is analogous to the expression “my way or the highway”.

In the 1980s there existed a restaurant popular with students in Cambridge (England). Its name was Hobson’s Choice. The menu was… Dish of the Day.


Well, if they could get away with one restaurant so blatantly based on an obscure-reference gimmick, obviously, I can get away with far more than that.

Fine Dining For The Well-Informed

Come on down to MORTON’S FORK, the cozy little country cafe that’s just off the beltway! Wikipedia says, “Morton’s Fork is an expression that describes a choice between two equally unpleasant alternatives.” And here at MORTON’S FORK, our chef serves up all sorts of equally unpleasant menu options! Scrambled eggs drenched in vinegar! Peanut butter and banana soup! A goblet of menstrual blood! So many things on the menu, you’ll have a hard time deciding. Because they’re just that nasty.
PS: That logo is from the actual MORTON’S FORK restaurant. Yeah, Britain actually creates these things that I want to make fun of. God bless you, United Kingdom.

Or try THE STRANGE LOOP for some slightly different Italian cuisine. Wikipedia says, “A strange loop arises when, by moving up or down through a hierarchical system, one finds oneself back where one started.” Yes, stop on by THE STRANGE LOOP, the home of the bottomless Spaghetti Bowl!

Or what about THE GOLDEN HAMMER, that fancy Chinese place right around the corner from wherever you live? Wikipedia says, “A golden hammer is any tool, technology, paradigm, snake oil, buzzword or similar whose proponents enthusiastically sing its praises. They predict that it will solve multiple problems, including some for which it is obviously not suitable.” Are you hungry? Thirsty? Tired? Bad dancer? Looking for love? Trying to better your backhand? Need to purchase some silver polish but only believe in the barter system and only have Odyssey of the Mind pins to trade? Then order the mu shu pork. We so good it hurt.

And for dessert, stop on by HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO, where it’s always Buy-One-Get-One-Free Day at the bakery!

…Actually, that last one would probably be pretty damn popular.

More Than Meets The Eye

December 29, 2007
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1) Warren Ellis says:
“Theatre is only ever pointless when there’s only five people in the room.”

I believe theater is only pointless when the performers believe it’s pointless. I’ve done improv shows for 4 people –with 6 people onstage– and everyone present had a blast. I’ve also been in shows for 50 people that I felt were a complete waste of all of our time.

It all comes down to how you view the act of performance. If you hold it to a strict must-have-at-least-_____-audience-members requirement, and then you do a show for that many people and aren’t committed because “only a quorum showed up” …that attitude’s going to translate into a pointless –and most likely lifeless– show. But if you go into it with the idea that you’re doing this show especially for these four people, and you’re going to give them your attention (and, in the case of improv, gear your humor toward them in particular) …the show will be fun for both performers and watchers, and they’ll go home and tell their friends, “It was an amazing show. If only more people had come. Next time, you should come with us.”

Simply stated, perception is 9/10 of the law.

I assume that’s the gist of Chapter 4 of The Secret, so maybe you already knew that.

2) Baby exoskeletons?! (link)

Gotta Getta Gundam.

I’ve Said It Before And I’ll Say It Again

December 1, 2007
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Last night, I went through a 2-3 hour case of deja vu. It lasted from the moment I walked up to the theater through about 20 minutes after the Mister Diplomat show was over. It included scenes from the show, random conversations before and after, and a very odd moment when I almost pulled lights but then thought, “No, I remember blacking-out this show on a different line.”

I mentioned this to one of my co-improvisers, and his theory ran as follows: “That’s what you get for being at the theater so long. ‘I remember Robin saying that exact thing before, only she was Olivia and we were in an ice cream shop.'”

I can’t agree with that though. Because, as many people have found out, I actually remember those kinds of things, and thus I don’t confuse them with deja vu. I have, in fact, seen improv scenes that are extremely reminiscent of improv scenes I’ve seen before (not surprising, considering I’m fairly sure I’ve reached the twenty-thousand mark by this point), and I’ve had conversations about the same things over and over, but neither of those compares to the very distinct feel of having lived a moment before.

I’ve never really wondered before what false memories must feel like; I’ve always left that particular angst to the professionals…

…but, man, glitches in the Matrix are disturbing when they last for longer than a couple minutes. I should go back and reread Kurt Vonnegut’s Timequake with this newfound understanding.

Hmm. Is it just me, or does it seem fundamentally wrong to reread a book about longterm deja vu?

The Spedometer At That Moment: 88

November 5, 2007
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I got stuck in a temporal loop this morning for a relative 3-4 hours.

I half woke up, growled at the time on my alarm clock: 930
and went back to sleep for a while.
I half woke up, growled at the time on my computer clock: 1027
and went back to sleep for a while.
I half woke up, growled at the time on my alarm clock: 930
and went back to sleep for a while, mildly confused.
I half woke up, blinked at the time on my alarm clock: 930
and, under the assumption that I was dreaming, went back to sleep for a while.
I woke up, stared at the time on my computer clock: 842
I turned to look at the time on my alarm clock: 930
I realized that my alarm clock was stuck on Set Alarm Mode, flicked it to Normal Mode: 945
I picked up my watch: 704
I stumbled downstairs, wrapped in my comforter, and looked at the microwave: 1105
and, slumping onto the couch and curling into a ball, decided to let the world iron itself out and went back to sleep for a while.
I woke up back in my bed. My computer clock: 945
My alarm clock: 930
It was once again in Set Alarm Mode, so I clicked it to Normal: 848
My watch: 359 …and a second later: 400

At this point, I took a long shower and rinsed the 4th dimensional buildup out of my hair.

Time started up again as I walked back into my room just as my alarm clock went off at: 930

My computer clock at that moment: 1027