Simon FitzKit...In The Field!

Sinibomb and Sugar On Every Bite!

December 2, 2008
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I made this happen.


You Have To Spurn The Trope

July 13, 2008

So as you may or may not have heard me cheering over the past week, I won a song-parody contest! First, play the game You Have To Burn The Rope (HERE). It will literally take you under a minute. The contest was to write a parody of the closing theme, and to make it about my favorite video game moment.

I wrote it about the game “Shadow of Colossus” and they previewed my entry during this podcast (skip to 1:12:45 ). (They say, “By Kit FitzSimons, which is an awesome name.” Whee!)

And then the guy who wrote the original song commented on my parody, and his favorite line was line 3 (heard here – skip to 0:56:08). (He says, “He’s got a nice flow with the rhymes.”)

Regardless of what you may think of the people who run the podcast, I now have a free DS Lite, courtesy of them!

Thanks to my friend Sketch who suggested the reverb and who found a way to make the claps work so well…and, you know, for running Garage Band and mixing my vocals.

I Guess Jihad To Be There

May 31, 2008
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Dunkin’ Donuts ran the following ad, starring Rachael Ray holding some coffee in a park:

It apears to be very harmless. However, it apparently caused an internet blogosphere meltdown in which Dunkin’ Donuts was accused of supporting terrorism. As reported in The Independent:
“The offending item, though, is the scarf, which reminded one blogger of the keffiyeh head-dress worn by Arab men, an item which a second blogger – picking up the theme and running several miles with it – dubbed ‘jihadi chic’. The Little Green Footballs blog, a conservative favourite, accused Dunkin’ Donuts of ‘casually promoting the symbol of Palestinian terrorism and the intifada’.”

And Dunkin’ Donuts pulled the ad, causing ANOTHER blogosphere meltdown, as bloggers called the company cowardly for caving “in the face of an out-of-control conservative blogosphere.”

(PS: ‘blogosphere’ is a fun word, isn’t it?)

Out of control? Maybe, but obviously, we can all agree it wasn’t out-of-control enough. Let’s remedy this situation forthwith.

(turns around and centers self, then quickly turns back around)

What. The F. Has Dunkin’ Donuts gone crazy? A little too much of their Arabic blend? This ad is a blatant promotion of terrorism! Look at that scarf Rachael Ray is wearing; it’s a f**king keffiyeh head-dress worn by Arab men! Arab MEN. And she, a woman, is wearing it out in the g*dd*mn park, like she isn’t cowering from God and men’s sight! Put some f**king clothes on, you whore of Babylon (i.e. Babylon in Iraq, you terrorist!) By putting Rachael Ray in that keffiyeh, DD, you’re offending Americans who don’t want to see some kind of g*dd*amn Hamas fashion show…but you’re also offending Arabs who’ll see this ad, think, “That woman is wearing a man’s headdress around her neck, and it isn’t because her husband’s choking her with it! Crossdresser! Abomination! Abomination! Abomination! I’ll bomb a nation!”

And terrorism will ensue.

But that’s not all. Some of my distinguished blogosphere associates have stopped at the jaunty heretical scarf, but not I. No, the men behind this advertisement are unbelievable in more ways than one. They said in their “apology” yesterday, “The possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote our iced coffee.”

“Iced coffee?” ICED COFFEE?!? Sounds like, ‘Iced Kofi’ –as in Kofi Annan, ex-UN Secretary General, who is currently on the board of directors of the UN Foundation– and it is outrageous for Dunkin’ Donuts to blatantly be recruiting terrorists to assassinate Kofi Annan in an online ad like that. Now, my blogosphere enemies (I’m looking at you, Rene Duquesnoy Joomlas on your Ass!) might say that there have been thousands of ads for iced kofi, and I’ve never spoken up before, but I say to you, SHUT UP! Those ads were distasteful, yes, but not necessarily proterrorist.

This ad is special because of all the secret visual handshakes it’s giving to terrorists. Look closer. There’s a building in the background, an American landmark of enormous importance to the citizens of our great country, and it is being highlighted for destruction. I hope our military and law enforcement services are on-site at that building…wherever it is (maybe that’s a gold statue of Jefferson or something? Is it maybe the Holocaust museum? Help me out, blogosphere cohorts!) It’s an American treasure though, regardless of what building it actually is, and Dunkin’ Donuts is outright commanding terrorists to bomb it to kill Kofi Annan, and Rachael Ray is there so they know they’ll only have a 30-minute timeframe to work with.

And under the logo, what does it say? AMERICA RUNS. “On Dunkin'”? Perhaps. “From terrorism”? Definitely.

(…Maybe if I click on ‘Find A Store’ it’ll tell me where that building is.)


Okay, I’m done.

Trouble In Parodies

January 10, 2008
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I have created a sideblog. It’s called “Trouble In Parodies.”

It will be the new home of all parodies I write, since, man, I write a lot of them. I’ll still link to them from here, just in case you don’t have an RSS feed and don’t want to bookmark two bloglinks for one person.

So, it’s been another year since I reworked the dialog bubbles in these Japanese Marvel comics, so it’s time for the third annual installment of The All-New, All-Different X-Chibi!

…And, in order to avoid doubleposting on the RSS feeds that do exist, I’ll only include the links in posts on ‘In The Field…’ that stand on their own.

With that in mind:

I had a dream last night about combination locks. As I’ve been watching a lot of Alias lately, I was apparently contemplating ways to make uncheatable combo locks. My dream idea: Dance-Step Security Systems.

You’ve seen the dance-step diagrams (probably in classic Disney cartoons), but just in case:

Now, imagine that on the floor in front of a vault –EXCEPT– without the arrows and labels.

Each footstep would be a separate button that has to be hit in the correct order and with the correct rhythm. The Foxtrot, the Tango, the Bravo, the Charlie… any sort of interesting step. Maybe set it to your favorite song, the one you have memorized, so you know the beat you’re moving to. This system could even replace those two-keys-turning-simultaneously locks; just have the mechanism be a layout for a couple to waltz through together.

Some might say, why not just have the key be a section of customized DDR-style hopping on a standardized quartet of buttons? But I say 1) with only four buttons, it’s easier for a thief to hack the system and 2) four square arrowed buttons don’t look nearly as awesome as this:

And the obvious music choice for my someday vault:
The Safety Dance.

Finding Negative Space In Beauties

December 5, 2007
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I just downloaded the new (month old) Seether music video on my 360. “Fake It” is an awesome song and has a video that absolutely supports its message and tone. Of course, as lead singer Shaun Morgan says of it, “It’s a catchy song, but in a good way.” Take that as you will.

Intriguingly, the official youtube’d video has embedding disabled; apparently you’re supposed to embed directly from the Seether website. I’m not complaining though, as they’ve got a bad-ass widget-builder for the song. My personalized widget lies below.

…I feel like talking about Seether via correctly constructed sentences is somehow a breach of grunge-metal etiquette.

I will say, even though it’s making commentary on music-video conventions, there does seem to be a slightly ridiculous overload of scantily-clad sexy females falling over the band members. All it would take is a little parody of the commentary, perhaps less wardrobe and more blurred spots, and you’d have…well, why don’t I show you?

(music video should star Jack Black as Shaun Morgan)

Who’s to know if your boobs aren’t real at all?
Present them and impress the world.
You’ll lose your self-esteem along the way…ohwell!
Good god, you’re bursting at the seams now!
Good god, why not take a bow?
Good god, fulfillin’ all my dreams now!
You look so great, so strip yourself down! You’re just…

Naked! If you want some affection.
Naked! Girl, it can’t be wrong
to be Naked! Just show off your perfection!
Whoa-ho-ho, it’s great for f*****g, isn’t it?

You should know that your clothes won’t hide your flaws.
Who cares about your shoulder mole?
Or that the carpet doesn’t maaaatch…the drapes? Yeah.
Good god, you’re curvier than esses!
Good god, don’t be such a tease!
Good god, just rip up all your dresses
and panties, shirts, and cargo capris! And go…

Naked! Your entire complexion
Naked! I can see it all!
You’re so naked! Going without protection:
Whoa-ho-ho, it’s great for f*****g, isn’t it?

(sexy dance break)

Coed Naked Soccer! We. Don’t. Use Our Hands!
Coed Naked Skiing! Slalom on the slopes!
Coed Naked Rockers! World’s Most Uplifting Bands!
Coed Naked Tro-o-opes…

Who’s to know when your looks will fade away
And little bits will start to sag?
Let’s get the most out of you while we can! Yeah!
Good god, you’re grinding with your hips now!
Good god, your junk in the trunk!
Good god, you’re puckering your lips now!
If I may say: you really got spunk! when you’re…

Naked! Ready for a beef injection?
Naked! Out-uendo’s fun!
Yeah Naked! Can you feel my erection?
Whoa-ho-ho, it’s great for f*****g, isn’t it?

Naked! That’s my own predilection.
Naked! Won’t you come along?
And be Naked! It’s Au Natural Selection!
Whoa-ho-ho, it’s great for f*****g, isn’t it?