Simon FitzKit...In The Field!

I Guess Jihad To Be There

May 31, 2008
1 Comment

Dunkin’ Donuts ran the following ad, starring Rachael Ray holding some coffee in a park:

It apears to be very harmless. However, it apparently caused an internet blogosphere meltdown in which Dunkin’ Donuts was accused of supporting terrorism. As reported in The Independent:
“The offending item, though, is the scarf, which reminded one blogger of the keffiyeh head-dress worn by Arab men, an item which a second blogger – picking up the theme and running several miles with it – dubbed ‘jihadi chic’. The Little Green Footballs blog, a conservative favourite, accused Dunkin’ Donuts of ‘casually promoting the symbol of Palestinian terrorism and the intifada’.”

And Dunkin’ Donuts pulled the ad, causing ANOTHER blogosphere meltdown, as bloggers called the company cowardly for caving “in the face of an out-of-control conservative blogosphere.”

(PS: ‘blogosphere’ is a fun word, isn’t it?)

Out of control? Maybe, but obviously, we can all agree it wasn’t out-of-control enough. Let’s remedy this situation forthwith.

(turns around and centers self, then quickly turns back around)

What. The F. Has Dunkin’ Donuts gone crazy? A little too much of their Arabic blend? This ad is a blatant promotion of terrorism! Look at that scarf Rachael Ray is wearing; it’s a f**king keffiyeh head-dress worn by Arab men! Arab MEN. And she, a woman, is wearing it out in the g*dd*mn park, like she isn’t cowering from God and men’s sight! Put some f**king clothes on, you whore of Babylon (i.e. Babylon in Iraq, you terrorist!) By putting Rachael Ray in that keffiyeh, DD, you’re offending Americans who don’t want to see some kind of g*dd*amn Hamas fashion show…but you’re also offending Arabs who’ll see this ad, think, “That woman is wearing a man’s headdress around her neck, and it isn’t because her husband’s choking her with it! Crossdresser! Abomination! Abomination! Abomination! I’ll bomb a nation!”

And terrorism will ensue.

But that’s not all. Some of my distinguished blogosphere associates have stopped at the jaunty heretical scarf, but not I. No, the men behind this advertisement are unbelievable in more ways than one. They said in their “apology” yesterday, “The possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote our iced coffee.”

“Iced coffee?” ICED COFFEE?!? Sounds like, ‘Iced Kofi’ –as in Kofi Annan, ex-UN Secretary General, who is currently on the board of directors of the UN Foundation– and it is outrageous for Dunkin’ Donuts to blatantly be recruiting terrorists to assassinate Kofi Annan in an online ad like that. Now, my blogosphere enemies (I’m looking at you, Rene Duquesnoy Joomlas on your Ass!) might say that there have been thousands of ads for iced kofi, and I’ve never spoken up before, but I say to you, SHUT UP! Those ads were distasteful, yes, but not necessarily proterrorist.

This ad is special because of all the secret visual handshakes it’s giving to terrorists. Look closer. There’s a building in the background, an American landmark of enormous importance to the citizens of our great country, and it is being highlighted for destruction. I hope our military and law enforcement services are on-site at that building…wherever it is (maybe that’s a gold statue of Jefferson or something? Is it maybe the Holocaust museum? Help me out, blogosphere cohorts!) It’s an American treasure though, regardless of what building it actually is, and Dunkin’ Donuts is outright commanding terrorists to bomb it to kill Kofi Annan, and Rachael Ray is there so they know they’ll only have a 30-minute timeframe to work with.

And under the logo, what does it say? AMERICA RUNS. “On Dunkin'”? Perhaps. “From terrorism”? Definitely.

(…Maybe if I click on ‘Find A Store’ it’ll tell me where that building is.)


Okay, I’m done.


The World Health Organization’s on first?

December 8, 2007
1 Comment

From My Inbox:
The company or e-mail address attached to this IP Address has been awarded the sum of Five Million United States dollars in WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION Award credited to file NO: M154S/WL04. You are to contact the claim processing department with the beneath requirement via email below.


Hon. Marvin Valentino,

Mrs. Jean Middleton.

Oh, those rascally kids, Mrs. Jean Middleton and the Honorable Marvin Valentino(1), are at it again! I didn’t even realize the WHO had $5,000,000 to spare, what with their planning Conventions (while) on Psychotropic Substances and paying private eyes to continue AIDS surveillance, or whatever they do with their funding these days. Then again, they’re probably still getting residuals from the movie Tommy and everything from CSI:Here to CSI:Eternity, so perhaps I can’t fully comprehend just how large their petty cash drawer is.

Regardless, I’m curious as to what the requirements are to qualify for the World Health Organization Award (or WHOA for short). Since it’s being awarded to “the company or e-mail address attached to this IP Address” I can only assume it’s something I did online.

Maybe it was that googlechat I had with Tony about how awesome I think it is that none of us smoke; it wasn’t exactly a public service announcement or anything, but it could’ve been if I’d Fw:’ed it to a listserve. I could have made the Subject line something like “ty 4 /smkng” or “lol bc I still have a healthy larynx,” and that, my friends, would have been how you save lives.

Or perhaps it was my posting that picture denouncing malaria. You remember, this one?

I know, I know, people have been denouncing malaria for years (especially people who’ve seen The Streets at Southpoint), but maybe the world just needed my particular thousand words(2) to get the point(3).

Either way, I’m not going to let this go to my head. I have a responsibility to the World Health Organization to do the right thing with my newly acquired 5-mil. WHO cares how I spend their money, right? WHO gives a damn, you know? WHO indeed.

Also, their email ( tells you in which country they’re currently based. And the World Health Organization’s base is most likely where some foul disease is, so I guess that means something is, in fact, rotten in the state of Denmark. …I’ll stop now.

(1) Sounds like the name Mel Brooks would use in a movie about Rudie Valentino’s less-than-charming younger brother.
(2) Or, technically, 1004 words, I suppose.
(3) The South point? Sorry, I’ll stop.