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Can You Google

January 3, 2009
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While trying to find out the answer to a burning question of mine last night (namely “Can you sacrifice a creature and simultaneously regenerate it in Magic: The Gathering?”), I began to type the question verbatim into Google.
In the past, I’d have used the search engine specifically built for that kind of search format, but I’m still mourning the loss of their mascot (previously mentioned here), and I can only assume he has not yet escaped the carbonite.

So I began typing into Google, and –helpful search engine that it is– it popped up a list of the most likely searches that begin with the words ‘can you.’ Let’s take a look-see, shall we?

Top result by far: Can You Run It, as people try to find the website of the same name that automatically tests your computer and tells you if it meets the minimum requirements to run almost any computer program/game, a site that has a nearly impossible url to remember (www.canyourunit.com) and thus must be googled for. …Although to be fair, maybe people thought that url was for the Bobbitt-fetish site: Can Your Unit.

Can You Spot the 44th President refers to the now fairly well-known Obama-win drawing:

I love the fact that this was almost certainly drawn over at least a few days’ time, as the artist just held his breath and crossed his fingers that his art would be relevant and not just an eternal What-If of a .psd file.

And then there’s the ‘Can You Get Pregnant’ questions. I would love to see those searchers’ google ads these days.

…Or maybe not.

But more than anything else, I like to imagine that all 10 of these searches came from the same person. I actually wouldn’t be surprised…Bristol.

…Oh, and for those who are wondering: No, you can’t. You’re welcome.

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The World Health Organization’s on first?

December 8, 2007
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From My Inbox:
———————————–
SUBJ:
WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION
The company or e-mail address attached to this IP Address has been awarded the sum of Five Million United States dollars in WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION Award credited to file NO: M154S/WL04. You are to contact the claim processing department with the beneath requirement via email below.

1. FULL NAME: 2. AGE: 3. ADDRESS: CITY: STATE/ZIP CODE: COUNTRY: 4. PHONE NUMBERS: / FAX NUMBERS: 5. SEX: 6. OCCUPATION: 7. E-MAIL ADDRESS: ALTERNATIVE E-MAIL ADDRESS:

Hon. Marvin Valentino,
EMAIL; worldhealth_verificationdept02@yahoo.de

Co-ordinator,
Mrs. Jean Middleton.
———————————–

Oh, those rascally kids, Mrs. Jean Middleton and the Honorable Marvin Valentino(1), are at it again! I didn’t even realize the WHO had $5,000,000 to spare, what with their planning Conventions (while) on Psychotropic Substances and paying private eyes to continue AIDS surveillance, or whatever they do with their funding these days. Then again, they’re probably still getting residuals from the movie Tommy and everything from CSI:Here to CSI:Eternity, so perhaps I can’t fully comprehend just how large their petty cash drawer is.

Regardless, I’m curious as to what the requirements are to qualify for the World Health Organization Award (or WHOA for short). Since it’s being awarded to “the company or e-mail address attached to this IP Address” I can only assume it’s something I did online.

Maybe it was that googlechat I had with Tony about how awesome I think it is that none of us smoke; it wasn’t exactly a public service announcement or anything, but it could’ve been if I’d Fw:’ed it to a listserve. I could have made the Subject line something like “ty 4 /smkng” or “lol bc I still have a healthy larynx,” and that, my friends, would have been how you save lives.

Or perhaps it was my posting that picture denouncing malaria. You remember, this one?

I know, I know, people have been denouncing malaria for years (especially people who’ve seen The Streets at Southpoint), but maybe the world just needed my particular thousand words(2) to get the point(3).

Either way, I’m not going to let this go to my head. I have a responsibility to the World Health Organization to do the right thing with my newly acquired 5-mil. WHO cares how I spend their money, right? WHO gives a damn, you know? WHO indeed.

Also, their email (worldhealth_verificationdept02@yahoo.de) tells you in which country they’re currently based. And the World Health Organization’s base is most likely where some foul disease is, so I guess that means something is, in fact, rotten in the state of Denmark. …I’ll stop now.

(1) Sounds like the name Mel Brooks would use in a movie about Rudie Valentino’s less-than-charming younger brother.
(2) Or, technically, 1004 words, I suppose.
(3) The South point? Sorry, I’ll stop.